I know the title of this post seems connected to the recent flimsy-paper-heart day, but it really came from someone asking what I thought of their boyfriend. At the time, I told her as long, 'as he treats you with respect and love, he's OK with me.' I'd probably add now that he should treat others with respect as well, including himself. But that made me think… what is respect? It's fine to sing, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me," but if you can't put tangible evidence to it, how can you be sure you've got it?
I think Eliza in My Fair Lady said it best. "the difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated. I shall always be a common flower girl to Professor Higgins, because he always treats me like a common flower girl, and always will. But I know that I shall always be a lady to Colonel Pickering, because he always treats me like a lady, and always will." Put simply, if someone treats you with respect, it brings out the best you have to offer. That's why respect is so important.
Theoretically, children should learn respect from how parents and family treat each other. In the world we live in, that's doesn't always happen and the lessons aren't always good. How does anyone learn to respect others if they've never seen it in close courters, or if they don't respect themselves?
Here are some real life examples (in guy form, but they apply to girls as well):
There is not enough respect if…
—He constantly talks badly about his friends behind their backs. It shows a lack of respect for everyone, especially if he is doing it to make himself look good. And, you can bet if he's talking about them, he's talked about you as well.
—He only tells his side of every story. If he can't see anyone's side but his own, he is not showing respect for other people.
—The guy asks your opinion, says that's a good idea, and then goes out and does the opposite. If he didn't like the idea, he should have been respectfully honest.
—He expects you to respect his space and home, but treats yours like a hotel.
—He hears a firm "no" and continues to push your buttons … for any reason… ever.
There is respect and love if… he shares the load equally. It's hard to imagine rough times when you are starting out, but when economic crisis or the loss of a child happens, you need to know you won't be crying alone. It starts with being able to share - not just his day, but his dreams, fears and hopes. Then when you share with him, does he listen and remember? This isn't flowers for your birthday type memory. When you are afraid, or hurt, does he remember the deeper cause or root of your fear and sooth it? Or, does he simply tell you to 'buck up'?
Also, when you are sad or sick, he shouldn't flee the scene. He should be able to stay and hold you while you sniffle. When he's sick or sad, he should let you hold him, so you can sniffle together. I think this is one reason couples should be together for a while before getting married. If you've never shared bad times together, it's hard to say how either person will react. I know a man who lost his wife to another man, because when they lost a child he was not able to be emotionally there for her. This could also be seen as courage rather than respect, but what is courage if not respect for one's self and others?
If I could boil it down and bring it back to the Eliza quote... If you feel like you are a better person (not just a happier person) when you are with them and afterwards, that is the natural response to love and respect.
For more on this topic, my husband and I can recommend Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. The book focuses on love as a girl thing and respect as a guy thing (and is a lot longer than my post) but is a great read for any couple.